What To Do About Yelling, Part 1

We’ve been warned.  We’ve heard what it can do to our children’s sense of security.  We’ve read the blog posts and books that explain the long-term effects.  At this point, most well-meaning mothers want to avoid yelling at our kids.

But a wise person once told me, “it’s not enough to know what not to do, we have to decide what we want to do.”

Today’s post is the first of two practical parenting posts which will provide helpful alternative choices we can make instead of yelling.  (Note: This post uses the term “yelling”, but hurtful words can come out of our mouths in a variety of forms, whether quiet or loud, angry or sad.  If the quality of your speech is a concern for you in any form, then read on.)

My husband and I actually have a “no yelling” rule in our house.  I tell the children, “You can yell at mommy only if the house is on fire or if someone is bleeding” (paper cuts do not count).  And as a mother who wants to be honest with her children, I know I can’t ask of them something I’m not willing to do myself.  Of course there are occasions when safety is at stake and we need to raise our voice to get our children’s attention.  (For example: Don’t run in the street!!)  But that is the exception.  Right now, let’s not talk about the exception; let’s talk about how we can avoid yelling in the regular, daily stresses of parenthood.  It’s a good goal to have, but it’s not always easy.

You see, here’s the thing… our family’s “no-yelling” rule is very different from how I grew up.  The memories I have are a big part of the reason why I want to be different, but they also make it harder to be different.  What my husband and I have learned has taken lots of work, lots of prayer and even studying of various parenting books.  And now we’ve developed a few key habits that help us cope when we’re low on patience.

The first step I take when I feel like yelling is to step back for a moment and ask myself this crucial question:

Why do I feel like yelling? 

There are two possible answers and the answer dictates my response.  Today we’ll talk about the first answer.

Do I feel like yelling because of something in me, and not because the children legitimately need correction?

Sometimes the why isn’t coming from our children’s behavior, but from something inside us.

It’s not ideal, but it can happen, that we mothers forget to take care of ourselves and our patience gets stretched a little thinner each day.  Of course most of us could stand for a little more self-care.  But the fact is, sometimes we’re pregnant or nursing and our emotions aren’t exactly where they should be; sometimes the children are sick and we keep on taking care of them with little regard for self; sometimes there are external worries like the budget or a lack of social support that can sneak in and create added stress.  Even small issues can produce a stress response inside us if we’re already weighed down.  In the moment that we feel frustrated it can be difficult to think of ways to cope.  That’s why it is helpful to have tried-and-true options at the ready, so we can go straight to them when we need them.

So if the argument for impatience is coming from inside me, I choose one of these three options:

1. A five-minute break. This may seem like an easy answer, but when we are very stressed or tired, we can forget how helpful it can be to simply take a quiet minute for ourselves.  So we have to make it an option ahead of time.  I make this choice if I don’t need to speak with my children or do anything with them immediately, and if I know that they will be fine if I take a short time-out for myself.  I have a mental list of things I can do that don’t take much time but are very refreshing: call a friend, make a cup of tea, or read something encouraging.  (If this is something that you struggle with on a regular basis, it may be helpful to write a similar list for yourself and put it up on the fridge where you can see it.)
2. Whisper.  Sound crazy?  Well, it is, a little bit.  But sometimes doing the opposite of how we feel inside is just what we need.  I choose this option when I need to speak to my children about something right away and taking a five-minute break is not an option.  I calm myself down first by taking a deep breath, exhaling and closing my eyes for a minute.  This forces my body and mind to slow down.  Then, when I’m ready to speak to my children, I whisper.  Doing the opposite of what I feel inside helps me remember that I’m in control of my reactions, and the whispering often helps my children calm down too.
3. Be silly. Another crazy option?  Yes, but it works!  And it’s probably my favorite way to fix a stressful situation.  There have been many studies done on the benefits of play therapy for children, and the argument can be made that it works for adults too.  Feeling upset but choosing to start a tickle fight, or jump up and down like a monkey, or initiate a Kitchen Dance Party, can really diffuse the tension and make me wonder what I was upset about in the first place.  Plus, it’s FUN!  I believe that choosing this option models for my children that there are many healthy ways of coping with anger or stress.

Controlling our emotions can be hard, but it is so worth it.  I’d like to add this encouragement from Scripture, the one that’s been hanging on my fridge for the last five years: “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (Proverbs 18:21).

That’s a sobering verse, I know.  But today I pray that it can give courage to those of us who are still works in progress.  It’s not too late to begin learning to speak life.

Stay tuned for my next post, What To Do About Yelling, Part 2, where we discuss healthy ways of responding when our children legitimately need correction.  I’ll also share some parenting resources that have been very helpful to my husband and me.

Thank you for reading.  Now, I’d love to hear from you.  What are your go-to coping strategies that you use when your patience is running low?  Please comment and share below.

Learning to Speak Life Together,

Laura Jane