What To Do About Yelling, Part 2

Just when we think we’ve learned something, an opportunity appears to hold us accountable, doesn’t it?  Our weekend brought with it fun and frustrations, snuggles and sibling rivalries, hopeful plans and uncertainties.  And this mama needed more than ever to be reminded of the following truths.

When well-meaning parents feel provoked to yell at our children, the first step to choosing a healthier option is to ask ourselves this crucial question:

Why do I feel like yelling?

If the why is coming from inside us (ie: we are stressed, tired, etc) we may feel like a rubber band ready to snap, but the truth is that we do have options.  My previous post shared examples that work for our family in this situation.  If you missed it, here it is: http://www.howtobless.com/?p=77

But sometimes the why comes from an outside influencer.  Sometimes we feel provoked to yell at our children because of their behavior.  Here are three main instances where this can happen:

1. If our children are speaking to us very loudly to try to get what they want (they’re still learning their manners, after all), we may feel like we need to yell louder than them in order to get their attention and tell them to quiet down. (It doesn’t make sense as I’m writing it, but sometimes we feel this way, don’t we?)
2. If a situation is getting out of control, or if our children simply aren’t obeying us as quickly as we would like, we may feel like we need to yell as a means of asserting authority and regaining control.
3. If our children are seriously misbehaving, we may feel like we need to yell as a consequence, a means of showing them that we are not okay with their behavior.

Through the years and the tantrums, the ups and the downs, my husband and I have learned some healthy tactics for handling the above situations.  Most of these options we discovered in helpful parenting books, which I’ll also list for you here.

1. If our children are speaking very loudly to try to get our attention, rather than entering into a who-can-yell-the-loudest competition with them, we can do the opposite and go deaf. When my young children yell at me (example, “MOMMY, I WANT MILK!!”), I rub my ears and squinch my eyes and say, “What’s that?  Mommy’s ears don’t work when someone yells at me.”  Because of this habit, my older child (age 6) now already knows that she needs to use a gentle voice when asking me for something. I learned this tactic from renowned pediatrician Harvey Karp, who wrote The Happiest Toddler on the Block.
2. If a situation feels out of control, there are other ways besides yelling to help our children obey. I’m sure anyone who has parented a toddler already knows the benefits of time-out.  Another helpful option for the toddler-preschooler age is to give them choices.  This helps me accomplish whatever goal needs to get done, but also helps my child feel like she has some control.  For example: if my three year-old refuses to get dressed at night, I can tell her, “You have to get dressed, but you can choose if you want to wear the princess pajamas or the blue pajamas.”  If you have daughters that have a tendency to explore their sassy side (not that I know any like this, ahem…) at this point you might get a “NEITHER, MOMMY!!”  But that’s another discussion!
3. For older children, we’ve discovered the magic of logical consequences. As our children get older, my husband and I have found that for consequences to work, they need to be even more meaningful than when our children were younger, and they need to make sense.  But this can still be done with a gentle voice, kind words, hugs and comfort.  We’ve learned this method from the book “Love and Logic Magic” by Jim Fay.  My favorite quote from that book is, “Let the consequence do the teaching.”  Fay explains that children can lose privileges, etc. as a result of misbehavior, but they should never feel that they’ve lost our love.  I plan to write another post on helpful, appropriate consequences that have worked for our family.

As parents who view our role not just as one that was created to get our kids to obey, but to teach, disciple, love and encourage, we know there are better ways than yelling.  Yelling may open the pressure valve of our own feelings for a moment, but we will be left with regret afterwards.  And those of us who were yelled at frequently as children know that yelling doesn’t serve to teach or disciple, it only serves to create a fear response in children, which may result in obedience in the short term, but doesn’t do anything for heart-growth in the long term.  An excellent book that discusses parenting as a form of loving discipleship is “Heartfelt Discipline” by Clay Clarkson.

How about you?  What ideas have you tried when you’re struggling to help your children obey?

Loving our littles together,

Laura Jane

*I did mention some parenting books here, but I’m not being compensated to do so.  I mentioned them because they have been incredibly helpful to my husband and me in our parenting journey.